Goodness and Mercy

“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…” Psalm 23:6a

When we read this text, where are our hearts? do we expect coming days of prosperity? Do we look for our physical well being to defy the rest of creation that groans? Do we seek an exemption to death itself? Our God must be BIGGER than these things. For to ask God to fit goodness and mercy within the human definition of it is below His character. Goodness and mercy are in the here and now. They are even in the things plague us because those things drive us to Him. Goodness and mercy are in our ailments because those things set our hope in the eternal. Broken hearts are earmarks of those who Jesus said are poor Spirit… to those that Jesus has given the kingdom of Heaven. Goodness and mercy is in the knowledge of God, the gift of His eternal presence we will one day enjoy fully, with no need of faith, as our very beings will be devastated by His majesty. 

Do not believe this text is merely of a future earthly situation better than the one you have now. God is bigger than this. This text is for the here and now and the “forevermore.”

“… and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Today, I heard Him say,

"Make no mistake; I will pour My grace over your failures like the majestic waterfall before you. 

But crowns I give to the victorious."

"Heel-Catcher"

The first  stage is denial, right? Well denial looks, sounds, and feels different to everyone…  ...to someone who is an expert at denying things, the denial doesn't even seem present. One of these days I’ll learn to slow down at the slopes and dips and not take them full speed ahead. 

New seasons. Well, if it’s true, it’s starting out kinda rough. And I’m sure there’s a promise in that… The sky is darkest right before dawn. This will not compare to the joy before me. I get it.

And it’s probably true. 

But I feel like crap right now.

But… 

But Sovereignty. 

But God.

All of this is but how the chess pieces move. The means to accomplish a good end. The only way I’d learn. Yeah, there’s sarcasm there, and that’s because I’m a cynical piece of work. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe it. And I know I believe it… My heart beats at the thought of the plan of the Most High King coming to fruition. I’m thrilled to be a part of it. 

Its the whittling, shaving, breaking, re-shaping part I want nothing to do with… But He will win. I will surrender, and though part of me will fight until the bitter end (and lose), the other part of me can’t wait. 

I can’t wait until God changes my name.

Orual

Sometimes I feel as if eloquently describing emotion, wrapping it in a bow, and sealing it with poetic words of articulate wisdom somehow qualifies it. 

If I can talk about the realest crap in me in the most thought provoking way that somehow allows people to peer into their souls and ask themselves why they never thought of describing that state in that way themselves, then I have mastered the state, its emotions, and ultimately its course of action.

Stupid, huh? Or maybe not. Who knows and who cares.

 So apparently I never learned how to not be frustrated at myself. My “inner dad,” if you will, is nothing more than carbon copy of the mere man who taught me how to hate myself. Why are our minds so fragile? A design corrupted, a process gone wrong. Even in this, You are here, aren’t You?

So now what. I’m tired of running, sick of crying. I refuse to die, but I’m too weak to fight. This sip is too hot and too bitter, and I won’t swallow.

Yet I will swallow this drink, that my life may learn to become a drink offering. 

I will overcome biology. 

To the bitter end, I will fight.

The Prodigal's Ramblings

Was it really 2 years ago? It feels so recent. It feels so near. 

The Earth has circled the Sun twice. 

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. I live each day with my heart broken, missing a piece that I left in You, and a piece I left there. Oh, that time would not be so cruel and drag on so slowly. Sanctification, like death, stings all the more when brought about slowly. 

I stand here now, the goal always in sight, towering above the fog, but the way there riddled with mines and steep curves. The road winds on and on around rocky cliffs none can climb. Each day, miles and miles unravel before me. But I will get there. This I know. Though I flew here thousands of miles an hour, and though I must walk back, I will get there.  

But today, I am here. And I am not alone, nor will I be, nor was I ever. Here, Lord, teach me. Take me and mold me. Put me through the pain I must experience. Kill the parts of me that must die. Prune me, wash me, and show me Your salvation. 

Make me into the man You've called me to be. 

For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.

Safe.

Do not shrink back at my wrath; do not fear and tremble (as the enemy of your soul would) at my power— it is what sustains you. My power is terrible to some, to you it is mighty to save. A sword of judgment to many, and impenetrable shield to you. Lion and Lamb. Mighty, fiery thunderings. Still, gentle whisper. The unfathomable strength you are prone to fear is the very strength in your weakness; the Spirit that raised Christ from the dead... The seal, the guarantee that I will complete what I have started. I am the only one who can know your deceitful and desperately wicked heart of stone, and I have replaced it with a heart of flesh. I am not overcome by this world; my light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome it. What can separate you from my love? I have engraved your name on the palms of My hand. Learn which one my Voice is as my sheep. No one will snatch you from my hands."

Still.

In these moments, I must be still.

When the thoughts of despair overwhelm me

I must be still.

When the outcomes of very action and lack thereof point to doom

I must be still.

When I cannot believe what I know

I must be still.

While my heart races, and my body tenses

I must be still.

When it is heard to breathe

I must be still.

When my body fidgets, and my feet are restless

I must be still.

When only the Spirit prays in my favor, with groans too deep for words

I must be still

I must be still and know. 

Know who You are. Know what You are. What You are like. What You have said. What You have done.

Know that You are God.