Teaching Apollos.

I try to find Jesus in every scripture I read. I need to. It’s worthless without Him. I am worthless without Him.  But at times, for me, it’s sometimes hard to see Jesus in such bold characters as Apollos. What fervency, what zeal, what knowledge, what PASSION. At times, dynamic men like the inferior moon can appear eclipse the light of Sun–for the most part unintentionally… But Jesus is there… If you look close enough…

“Now a Jew named Apollos, a native of Alexandria, came to Ephesus. He was an eloquent man, competent in the Scriptures. He had been instructed in the way of the Lord. And being fervent in spirit,[d] he spoke and taught accurately the things concerning Jesus, though he knew only the baptism of John. He began to speak boldly in the synagogue, but when Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they took him aside and explained to him the way of God more accurately.”

Apollos knew the baptism of John, the need for repentance, the knowledge of sin. He knew that Jesus needed to come. He knew the duties of child of God. He knew the commandments and how miserably short we fall. But to be taught more accurately is to be taught to see the testimony of Jesus in the scriptures. Zeal is nothing without the right message. 

Zeal is nothing without the correct message

The abhorrence of sin is crucial, yes. Sin is evil. Sin is a direct offense to God, Himself, the Maker of the universe, Sustainer of life, and the perfect Judge of evil. But even abstinence from sin, without love to God is atrocious. It is a vile stench, and tragic betrayal. 

God does not want fearful servants more than He wants obedient children. The awe of God comes from the love of God. The more accurate message is Christ, and Christ crucified. Christ risen, and Christ exalted. Christ enthroned, and Christ returning.

Awe of God comes from the love of God.

Why is Christ so important, some may ask, to the obedience to God? Some may argue that if anything, the work of Christ would free us from obedience. Some may say that anything other than this would be an attempt to seek self-righteousness. And I fear that some love the relief of burden more than the Giver of relief.

Jesus gives us the means to love God. Jesus gives us the basis on why to love God. Jesus loves us before we can ever love Him. And my point is this: Love of God produces obedience to God. And obedience to God without love to God, is hardly possible at best (and amounting to nothing if achieved).

Jesus gives us the means to love God.

The words of Spurgeon cut to the heart on this matter:

“When I regarded God as a tyrant, I thought sin a trifle; but when I knew him to be my father, then I mourned that I could ever have kicked against him. When I thought that God was hard, I found it easy to sin; but when I found God so kind, so good, so overflowing with compassion, I smote upon my breast to think that I could ever have rebelled against one who loved me so, and sought my good.” 

Apollos learned something that day… He learned he is no longer a servant, but a friend. He learned God would serve him before he could serve God. And he learned that pleasure in God is possible–no, pleasure in God is ESSENTIAL in obeying God.

And may we learn this lesson this day… everyday… New mercies are presented daily… May we ravenously feast on them. May we zealously love God.

Just Listen.

I heard Your every word. Dissected each one, defined each concept, chewed it up 27 times before I… Before I spit it out.

My pen twirled across the paper at every word You spoke. I didn’t want to miss a thing. And I stopped mid-dance to catch my breath… 

But You kept on speaking…

Your words became faster, my hand got slower. Your voice became a whisper and I leaned in closer and closer… Your voice became fainter and fainter…

But You kept on speaking.

My pen kept on writing, my ears kept on searching, my mind kept on scrutinizing, while my heart kept on breaking. “I am determined,” I said, “I am resolved.”

But You kept on speaking.

I looked back at my notes, as I kept on writing… and then, only then, did I realize…

that was I weeping. 

Tear drops had blurred Your words, my very hand had smudged it. But yet will pay attention, yet will I be Your faithful pupil, yet will I write… Every. Word. You. Speak.

And You kept on speaking.

The pain in my hand slowed my pace, the tears in my eyes distorted my sight.

But You kept on speaking. And I kept on weeping. And I kept on writing.

Surrounded by my chaos, crippled by my determination to capture what the world could not contain, my pen fell out of my numb hands. Numb hands too futile to pick up a pen off the floor.

Having nothing to say, nothing to do, nothing to be, I looked up to see the Man still speaking to me.

At Your beckon, I looked down at my writing and realized that in my quest to understand, I could not see that You repeated the same to me thing over and over again… 

I wrote down the same thing over and over again. Over and over again.

“Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me.”

You put my pen down but not away,  

And You kept on speaking. You kept on whispering...

“Just listen.”

I breathed in, the kind of breath that fills my being. And breathed out the kind of breath that releases my being. I am Your son, before I am Your pupil. You must wash my feet before I serve You. I must love You before I can understand You.

“Just listen.”

Lord, I’ll listen.

Philemon

I picked the chess pieces up from off the floor 

and swept away the dust you shook off your feet, 

resolving to give in to my inability to forget (but to fight against my inability to forgive). 

Grace I will give, lower expectations I can never give… 

Because I love you. 

But you have chosen the circle in which you wish to dwell; 

I have chosen to wish you well. 

And now the salt I fought arduously against has lost its sting. 

The wound has almost healed, and I walk on to hatefully spite the aching.

Forgive you, I must; forgive you I will.

Forgive you, I do.

And as for the trust you all but killed,

I believe the bones will live, the Word fulfilled.

And in all these things… 

He, yes He… He wins.

He wins.

My Face to the Ground.

I woke up like this.

Unready to face the sun; unable to get out of bed. If only I could sleep just a little longer. If only I could sleep at all. If only I can fast forward to a sunny day, and leave the dead man to suffer, while I… while I sleep.

I hate the sound of my own voice. I hate what my body looks like. I hate the evidence of my failures. I hate my messy room. I hate my thoughts. I hate my ideas. I hate my ambitions to rise up. I hate my lack of ambition. I hate the ridicule I bring on myself. I hate the contrast of past accomplishment.

And I hate that everyone agrees.

Now where do I go? The world expects a happy ending, or they’ll stop watching. But they don’t know... They don't know  that I’m tired of running. The road is winding on and on like two mirrors facing each other. Which is the illusion? And does it even matter? 

With the last bit of energy left in me, I fall to my knees… and I vomit.

I push myself up, but my arms are weak… And I fall again… my face to the ground…

In this place with my face to the ground, there is no forward or backward. Only up… or down. 

And oh, how enchanting the seductive beckon of down! The sleep I crave, the rest I long for, fulfilled at last. Oh, what euphoria with this… bitter remedy. Yesterday, I took a picture of myself as a child from my mother’s dresser. Somewhere along the stars, his smile was stolen from him. His laughter was snatched away, and the shadows crept in at night. This child didn’t grow. He was stretched and beaten with a meat tenderizer until life was numbed. “In just a minute,” I assure him, “this will all be over.”

I push myself up, but my arms are weak… And I fall again… my face to the ground, eyes shut, and a cry for help on my lips... and my help came while my face was to the ground.

In this place with my face to the ground, there is no forward or backward. Only up or down. In this place the backward–the past, is gone forever more in the depths of the sea. In this place, the forward,–the future is not a reality to be grasped, but a distraction from NOW. In this place–in the now, my face is to the ground… 

...exactly where You wanted me in the first place. 

I was running full speed ahead but I could not find You anywhere. I ran full speed behind me, and when I arrived, they told me You left that place empty centuries ago. The Living cannot be found among the dead. 

My left fist become white as I clenched Your letters to me. The grip caused the ink to fade, and the paper tore, but now I know what You meant when You said Your words will never fade. 

In this place with my face to the ground, there is no forward no backward.  Only up or down… And with strength I do not posses but strength that is borrowed... I choose UP.

"Now when Herod was about to bring him out, on that very night, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries before the door were guarding the prison. And behold, an angel of the Lord stood next to him, and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him, saying, “Get up quickly.” And the chains fell off his hands. And the angel said to him, “Dress yourself and put on your sandals.” And he did so. And he said to him, “Wrap your cloak around you and follow me.” And he went out and followed him. He did not know that what was being done by the angel was real, but thought he was seeing a vision. When they had passed the first and the second guard, they came to the iron gate leading into the city. It opened for them of its own accord, and they went out and went along one street, and immediately the angel left him." Acts 12:6-10

All in all.

But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, and with his wife's knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles' feet. But Peter said, “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back for yourself part of the proceeds of the land? While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not at your disposal? Why is it that you have contrived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to man but to God.” When Ananias heard these words, he fell down and breathed his last. And great fear came upon all who heard of it. The young men rose and wrapped him up and carried him out and buried him.     - Acts 5:1-6

How often do we hold onto to physical things with unyielding ownership. MINE. 

How did Ananias sin? 

Yes, he lied. He attempted to deceive men into thinking he had a higher degree of faith than that which he truly possessed. He lied to the Holy Spirit. He spoke a lie, and he passed it off as truth. And may God protect us from blindly falling into this same way of thinking… May He protect us from that, because we are prone to that. We lie about having faith that we do not have. We pretend we don’t struggle with sin. We claim a personal victory over something we should be Christ-dependent for. We highlight our bibles with different colors. We take selfies of our devotions. We announce our fasts. We publicly pray AT people instead of privately, sincerely pray TO GOD for them. God forgive our lies.

But could there be something DEEPER? 

God is generous to us. He rains on the just and on the unjust. But the fact that we own ANYTHING is preposterous. Man truly created nothing. We “create” things with borrowed materials. Atoms, molecules, and elements carefully crafted by a Genius Architect. Living beings we see as materials graciously given to us for our good by a loving Father. 

Well, back to Ananias… The property was always his (as “his” as it could be, for all intents and purposes). And he could have acknowledged God (and acknowledged God’s generous gifts to him), and very well could have kept it as such. Our God gives us good and perfect gifts. But Ananias didn’t see it that way. He saw the property as his own. No doubt, he thought whatever claim he had to it was valid and binding, whether it be inheritance or even good old fashioned hard work… in his eyes it was his… Not God’s. The deceit was merely a fruit of the greater underlying condition… A disregard for God and the character of God as the Sovereign Creator. 

But we keep things. We live in America. We have houses. We have cars. We have iPhones. We have big screen TVs. We get fat paychecks (because even part-time, minimum wage paychecks are fat in comparison to some third world countries mostly salaries.) Whether we are to sell them and live life in the style of 1st century Christianity, or to enjoy the gifts and callings of God, the answer to this conundrum would be a result of personal conviction from a personal relationship with the God who invites to count it all as lost and to enjoy His gifts. The thing Ananias lacked… A relationship with God. The God that would have been acknowledged in His giving of gifts (or rather loans) or in the surrendering back to Him what He already possesses.

So whether you have sold everything you owned to be a missionary in a third world country and live off the grace of God, or if God has blessed you with the prosperous American dream and has allowed you to enjoy the fruit of the hard work He fueled you to perform… 

May Christ be all in all. 

May His knowledge of our good be the reason for our poverty and may He be praised in it. And may He credited as the giver of good gifts in our times of harvest. 

May Christ be all in all.

To live...

The dust around me has yet to settle, but I walk through it as nothing has happened. My logical, sober eyes are shut tight; the eyes of delusion are wide open. I barely see the rubble, the smoke, and the blood through the lens of calloused complacency. Yet I pick up my own burden, and walk on.

And though onward I walk, it takes the willful disregard of everything true in me to pretend that I am not walking in a circle. Years and years in an endless barren wilderness I have fashioned as my prison; yet You designed as my tutor. The golden calf lies in ashes behind me, the taunting lure of giving up to my left, the Promise so far, far away away.

Yet …

Yet, You would have me believe that it is here. The promise is here. The kingdom of God, is here. You would have me believe that the vision of You is more captivating and desirable than the plastic world set all around me. The barren wilderness, consumed by locusts, is the playground of Your creative restorative Hand… Your empty canvas. You tell me not to fear the giants, and the terrors that come by night. You would have me believe that the rubble should not be ignored, but presented to You as bones that will one day will live.

And being here, looking in Your eyes, feeling Your heartbeat as Your arms hold me above the water I tried to walk on…

Lord, I believe You.

My Advice to Carlos 3 years ago, the new believer.

Relax.

The sooner you realize that He has always been in control, is in control, and will be in control, the better. Never once was your life outside of His sight, this God who sees. The abuse you went through, the loves you lost, the pain, the solitude, the hatred of the fact that you are even breathing... has worked out for your good. The very possessions and ambitions that slipped through your hands like wet sand at the beach are the very things you will joyfully give up for His name’s sake. Your academic achievements and your professional accomplishments will be counted as lost. The things you stressed out were never worth it. They along with Heaven and Earth, will pass away, but His words will never pass away. He is so much bigger than you think He is. The heavens cannot contain Him. You cannot fathom Him. And Carlos.... HE LOVES YOU. Let that penetrate your thoughts. Let everything that is true, honorable, just, pure, excellent, and praiseworthy envelop and purge your thoughts. While you should know that you don’t love Him enough, know that the only thing that matters in that equation is that He loves you. While you lack faith, what better more gracious way to display faithfulness than to lavish it to the those that are lacking? He does that, Carlos. 

Get over yourself.

You know how sad and emotional you get when you see movies about Jesus dying on the cross? You know how you grimace at the thought of the excruciating pain He went through? The unbearable physical afflictions? That’s because He had to do it for you. Your sin is every before you and you see the results... a stricken innocent One. A sinless, pure lamb facing the results of your mistakes. But Carlos, one day soon, you will realize a joy that will eclipse all of that. He is risen, and risen indeed! The victory of justice and love is just as real as the results of sin. He didn’t stay dead. He lives. And He lives to make intercession for you. There is hope for this world. There is hope for you. Get over yourself. Get your eyes off the past, and press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Without Him, you are nothing. With Him, you can do all things. Do you see the pattern? Him. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. You are so less than you think you are, and at the same time so much more. Decrease that He may increase. Know that your “glory” (for lack of a better word) is in humility. And that is because the most sincere, powerful and influential worship comes from a life that has been rescued. The effective witness comes from one who’s beauty used to be ashes. It comes from a man who knows he is nothing, and yet has been called a son of God. Right now you look at Peter, and you think his most glorious moment was in walking on water. After all, how many people can put that on their "spiritual résumé?" Not many can say: I walked on water. But learn and see his brightest shining moment, not in his walking on water, but in his rescue as he sunk. His glory was not in his feet that failed him, but in the arms that held him. Oh, what a wonderful place to be! Secure and safe in the arms of the One who created the cosmos, the galaxies, the Earth in its vast wonders. And His glory is not just in the marvelous power demonstrated in Creation but also in the grace and love demonstrated in our redemption. Believe it or not, you don’t need to believe in yourself. Believe it or not, you don’t have to love yourself. Believe in Him. Love Him, love others.

Abide in Him.

Desperately, entirely, unreservedly. Do not be afraid to go all in. Do not fear that you are making a sour investment. Give your heart totally. It’s good that you don’t know this at this point of your life... But God’s gonna rock your world. He’s gonna have you learn things you never even knew that you didn’t know! He’s gonna have you play for Moriah Peters as she opens for Kutless, Toby Mac, Jars of Clay and others. He’s gonna have you set up your piano at the Verizon Amphitheater, at the LA Galaxy game, in front of thousands. He’s gonna have you go to the jungles of Peru, the Andes Mountains and even the land of your earthly father. And you won’t regret a moment of it. You’re gonna struggle, Carlos, you are. You will experience episodes of depression so deep that you will wonder if life is truly worth living. You will feel like you lost your mind. You will feel His love and grace are so far from you and you will cry out to Him with such ardor. I don’t even know how this makes sense... But it’s gonna be worth it, Carlos. At times you will cower against the storms of your own mind. At times you will question, at times you will wonder and grumble... But through it all, you will whisper... “Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” You may not always have an answer to the lies of the enemy, but still you will ask, “Where else can I go? He alone has words of eternal life.”

Journey on Carlos. Be bold. Fear not. 

Best Regards,

Yourself.

P.S. You should know that Guinea Pig tastes pretty good.